Asswipes!

Kinda Big Fire Protection Dist.

Staff Report (abbreviated)

 

Topic: Toilet Tissue

Background: Since the K.B.F.P.D. disbanded the logistics division in 1995, we have been contracting with the County Supply System (CSS) to provide our logistical and supply services. Although this has been a cost effective alternative for us, the quality of some items obtained through CSS have not met our standards.

Although there are several areas in which the quality of supply is lacking, none is more critical than the issue of toilet tissue.

Current Situation: Currently CSS has two options for toilet tissue. These are both in stock and have similar price points. 

Product #1 - Smear More extra-smooth

 Product #1 - individual sheet and package

Advantages:

1. Low cost point
2. Low popularity = less usage

Disadvantages:

1. Total lack of texture causes increased smearing and decreased hygene.
2. Those employees who do choose to use this product tend to use a larger quantity at each usage. This tends to increase clogging and waste disposal issues. Paper towel and hand soap usage appears to be increased in facilities that use this product as well.

Product #2 - Ready Grit #150

Product #2 - individual sheet and package

Advantages - 

1. Low cost point.
2. Extreme texture is very effective in cleaning the desired area, meaning fewer sheets used.
3. Low popularity = less usage.
4. Product can also be used in numerous station improvement and maintenance projects, particularly those involving the removal of rust or paint.

Disadvantages - 

1. Excessive tissue (human) removal causes increased sick leave usage.
2. Stiff nature of the tissue causes increased clogging.
3. Rectal irritation is causing personnel (particularly command staff) to squirm and shift in staff meetings.

Alternative - Kirkland Signature Embossed Bath Tissue

Alternative - individual sheet and package

Advantages:

1. Low cost point. Approximately 7% less than above products.
2. Softness, appropriate texture and absorbency makes for happy employees!
3. Efficiency should mean less usage.
4. Product usage has resulted in less clogging issues.

Disadvantages:

1. Purchasing product outside of CSS would require approx. 2 staff hours per month to purchase and distribute product to District facilities. As this would be an operations staff member performing this function while "on-duty", it is a zero cost issue.
2. Purchasing this product would require a district Commander to use his "Ready Purchase" card to pay for the product. The appropriate paperwork would then be required.

 All three products - individual sheets.

Recommendation:

It is my recommendation that we go outside the CSS, purchase and distribute the alternative, "Kirkland Signature Embossed Bath Tissue".

Respectfully submitted,
Joseph Schmoe
Capt. E226 "A" 


******

We've been whining about the toilet paper for years, it's been a lesson in futility. Actually, if that's all we have to whine about, it's a pretty good place to work.

Most of us bring our own in anyway, it's amazing how many grown men prefer diaper wipes. It's amazing how fatherhood changes your life. Sorry for the "crappy" post! 

Thanks for reading,
Schmoe 

Night Shift

The fire has been knocked down for the most part. Fifty acres in size, the once raging wildfire is subdued. It's fury wreaked havoc in the jungle like wild life preserve for several hours, the efforts of hundreds of firefighters were required to bring it under control.

As the fire is waning, so is the daylight. The helicopters are continuing their work,  hurrying to complete as many drops as possible before darkness falls and they stop flying.

 

Although he large bodies of fire have been extinguished, thousands of smoldering hot-spots remain. They produce lots pf smoke, but not enough heat to cause the smoke to rise in the hot fall air. The resulting blanket of smoke is not unlike fog, only smelling much worse.

As darkness nears, the crews start thinking about the next operational period. Who gets to go home, who has to stay and mop up the fire overnight. One hopes a rational system is used to determine who stays, but often it seems like it is just a random decision.

Frankly, fires in the area are a complete pain in the ass. The vegetation is a jungle-like matte of vines, shrubs and trees. Moving through it is hazardous in daylight, doubly so in the dark. Burned out trees present a hazard to the firefighters, the falling branches and trunks are called widow makers for a reason. Footing is always treacherous, the uneven terrain, clinging vines and dense vegetation make each step like taking twenty.

Just as the sun drops below the horizon, a decision is reached at the command post and we receive word that we have been selected to work the night shift. We are assigned to overhaul a stretch of road about a quarter mile long, 200 feet into the burn. Other engines are responsible for similar sections of the fire and several units have extended hose lays thousands of feet into the center of the burn.

We begin working our section of the roadside. Progress is slow. Roots, logs and poor water supply impede our progress. Each smoker within 200 ft. of the roadside must by dug up and extinguished.  Steam from the water mixes with smoke to reduce visibility. Ash drifts through the air, disturbed by our footsteps and carried by the wind.

Cel-phone photo

We toil for hours, digging, spraying and pulling hose. Our progress can be measured by how far we move along the road. We can hear the hand crews sawing their way through to the center of the burn. Occasionally, we speak with the units on both sides of us, each with similar challenges.

Every so ofter, another palm tree torches off, sending more embers into the sky, increasing the chances of spot fires outside of the control line.

Cell phone photo

 

Finally, around one or so, our objective has been roughly met. We are all tired, we have been on scene for 12 hours and are starting to make silly mistakes. I decide to stop operations and just monitor our section of the line.

As it is a cool night, we try to find a position of comfort in our seats and cat-nap. Every half hour, I get up and walk our section. On two occasions, we pour water on to a stubborn, smoldering root system and tree trunk that has been giving us trouble all night. 

The tree and several branches are severely burned through, working under them is asking for trouble. I opt to have the crew apply water from afar until we can get a faller in there to remove the hazard.

Finally, dawn rolls around and the sky goes from black to gray to blue. I walk the length of the line, meeting up with the other crews. We are told that we will be relieved soon and pick up our hose and equipment. 

The day shift arrives and we are released. Back to quarters we go, clean-up and showers before heading home.

All of the big plans that I have for the day are canceled, sleep and laundry is the order of the day. Fortunately, all - nighters for me are rare. I like it that way.

Thanks for reading,

Schmoe

I.....

...am really getting

tired of

 click to enlarge

This shit.

It seems as if we just start coming around from one tragedy, another occurs. I don't get it, this has been the worst two years that I can remember.