Monday, December 5, 2011


I could tell it was a check by the envelope. I was glad to see it, as I have been fussing with the people that control the money I will be receiving for the rest of my life.

The last two conversations that I had with the owers of money didn't end well and profanity may have been involved. You see, after ninety days and numerous one hour and twenty minute waits on the phone, I expect a better answer than "I don't have an answer for you Mr. Schmoe, I don't know when you will start receiving a check." I digress.

I tore open the long awaited envelope and found that it did contain a check, however it was not the one that I had been hoping for. In fact it was a horrible disappointment.

Click to enlarge
For those of you lacking the energy or interest to click and enlarge, the check is in the amount of fourteen cents. I believe that this is the smallest check that I have ever received, except maybe for that residual check that I received for that "Mr. T and Tina" episode that I appeared in when I was a kid.

According to the letter that accompanied the check, I was part of a class action suit against E-Bay, one that I (we) won! The fourteen cents are the spoils of that battle. I recall getting a postcard several years ago, one that announced I was eligible to wage war with the mighty E-Bay and that I only had to do nothing and I would be a member of the huge avenging army, litigating it's way to moral victory over corporate greed and dishonesty.

As I am very good at doing nothing, I joined the battle and thus, victory is mine. While I still have not received the large check that I am expecting, my disappointment in this one has waned as I realize that something is better than nothing and that little guys like me can help grease-ball attorneys eke out a living suing companies like E-Bay.

Watch out Zuckerberg, don't piss me off or you'll be next! 

Did I cash it? Damn right I cashed it! I figure that unclaimed awards probably end up in the slime-ball attorney's pocket. Fourteen cents may not seem like much, but if a million people don't cash their fourteen cent check , well that adds up to a hundred and forty grand. I claimed my fourteen cents thank you very damn much, better me than the attorney.

Who says that the good guy always loses!

Thanks for reading,

A wealthy Schmoe

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